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Friday, 4. October 2002
Living prophesy

The furious activity of the pictures engulf me so unexpectedly that, a moment afterwards, I am left suspended, waiting, watching, knowing, hating, praying that what I have seen won't eventuate. I cannot speak or even cry out, for the pain they cause remains inside myself.

I have reason to believe the reality of what you have written, but it still hits me with a jolt. It takes some thinking. it's whether any good can be accomplished or perhaps whether it will do any harm. My head whirls with possibilities and speculations, all jumbled together, with two worlds rushing in or one another in exotic confusion. You tell me that if events are known we can adapt to them. Adapt or manipulate? You've written that the message and information is important. Whatever is seen may be predictions of events, but whatever is seen is not bound to happen. Perhaps, as you say, what is seen can be pointers to the future pattern of life from which connections between different parts of the pattern of today can be glimpsed. They should not be used as prophesy, nor should they be violated. The future is for everyone to live, not for some to manipulate.

They transcend the layers of conventional reality and I experience their separate vision, Their dimension suspends notions of time, space and causality. How can they tell about events distant in time and place? Is it not a mistake to assume that events far apart in time are separate. Do we see life, as you have written, as in viewing a room by the light of a torch beam and that often the error is made in assuming that the small areas highlighted are separate and not part of a whole?

The eyes of an ordinary person are capable of seeing only the most obvious, there are many, many more things unseen by us, that impinge on our lives at every step. They are there, but most cannot see or deal with them directly. Can I glimpse these things that others fail to see. I spin a web with words, yet it is hard to grasp what it is I see fully with words. Sometimes I feel I fail in my descriptions. I can only touch on the shadow of their reality with my words, whereas their encounter can be something entirely different.

I have try and find the words to rationalise my experiences. I cannot just blindly accept. It makes it easier if I have some understanding of what is happening in my mind. I have to try and understand what is happening to me and in the world. You have written that I am naturally endowed with perceptual abilities beyond the normal, abilities to see, hear and experience things which others would consign to the realms of the paranormal. My words are an attempt to explain what it is I've seen, but they are not the true reality for I cannot capture their reality fully with words. No words can describe my experience fully. How can I explain what I little understand or that which is only briefly glimpsed? I cannot see their full extent - only a part. I do not view their totality. They cannot be recorded simply or easily, they are just too vast and often too complex for me to comprehend.

I cannot stand back to observe what it is I see in my mind as a separate force. My emotions spill over into my writing. I'm not immune to what I see. Sometimes a picture can hit so strongly that I find myself shaking. I have my own biases and prejudices, weaknesses and strengths, fragility and courage, hopes and frustrations like everyone else and these are reflected in my recording of the pictures The pictures portray uncounted horrors. I'm still vulnerable to being hurt by more horror. The pictures are enough to frighten anyone. It's one thing to imagine the future, its another to live it.

It is hard even now to believe that what I've seen could become reality. It goes beyond human imagining. Grief, loss, horror, rage, these feelings have flowed through me. I also feel a profound confusion, a disbelief that leaves me feeling empty.

I'm isolated,, in a world to which I alone have access. I'm not mad, but I must be among the dammed to see such things. Could I be wrong in my recordings? I feel so helpless knowing what I do. On and on my thoughts twist. Why is it I see such things? Why is it I have the gift of seeing, as no living person can see, into the vast heart of human darkness?

I find it difficult to put my negative feelings aside at times because of the pictures. There are many horrors in this world today. The seeds of what will come have already been planted and have begun to sprout, but they have not yet flowered. The pattern has still to be woven. The future is past all imagining and is very real to me. When I think about it in terms of actual events, I believe the horrors shouldn't be revealed. It's not easy to describe events and the magnitude of change we are to face. The assault on my own senses is almost too much for me at times. I am not sure that I am able to apprehend what I see fully, so much is divorced from anything and everything I know. It is so nearly impossible, I think, to take in and even try to comprehend. So much is alien to my eyes. How do I sum up the events portrayed? Who would believe it, who could ever imagine it? I don't think I even begin to understand the relationship between today and tomorrow.

Yes, you’ve identified the melange of contradictory feelings within myself. I find it hard to analyse my own complex feelings. I realise the dangers inherent in what it is I see. I carry their burden and with this burden comes responsibility. You’re right, I don’t trust enough, I don’t trust the morality of ourselves.

 
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